Back to blogging, just proves that shit is again just around the corner.
Has been a long time since I last wrote my heart out and now I can’t even find the right words or emotions for the reason why I wanted to write again.
Could be…
Rage? Yeah, I’m in rage. I am not hurt, for hurt is such a weak word, I am angry. I want to explode and let all the anger out. I want the whole world to know that I am so pissed yet I remain quiet. I want to create a scene, a scene that all who’ll witness will not forget and the look of rage in my face will be etched in the mind of everyone who’ll see. But. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should take the high road and be the better person. I know exploding will just cause more harm, more rage, more suspicions than good.
Or may be,
Alone? Yes, I am alone. I am surrounded by the bestest friends in the world but I still can’t help but feel alone. Everyone seems to be there for me yet I am not where everyone seems to be. I know I have my little boy but still, I cant help it….at times, i still feel alone..
Or just..
Broken? I definitely am broken. I’ve been broken a number of times before. Have been repaired. But somehow, once you break no matter how hard you try to mend yourself, no matter who tries to fix you, no matter how long you try to patch and heal the broken pieces of you, you will always be broken and may never be restored to your true form. And, so am I.
And
Damaged? Too deeply damaged. I’ve been mocked, ridiculed, be-littled and jeered at by people who consider themselves righteous, that I would guess would not even understand a single word in this blog and was not taught the Subject-Verb agreement way back in high school but still, I again remained silent. I’ve been talked about for things other people doesn’t even know of. Painful words have been thrown at me. Words that I know I am not and I could never be. Knowing myself, I could easily fight back for which I have all the right to, yet I didn’t. IT”S BECAUSE OF ADDY….BUT calling my son “BASTARD” is a different thing…
May be
Deprived? Deprived by my own moral standards. Deprived of my own happiness. Deprived of doing what I want or even deprived of just wanting it. Deprived of following my heart. Deprived of things that could turn out to be a bridge to happiness, to contentment, to peace of mind.
But still
Hopeful. I know deep down, though the end may still be far away, there would be light at the end of this tunnel. Strong as I may be now, I know, I can still be stronger, I can pick myself up, and though broken, damaged, amd deprived but no longer angry, I have faith that I can be truly happy, of peace and contented.
I know, I have to do this…for me and addy…..